Friday, September 30, 2005

So the audit date has now been changed. I am so HAPPY with this news. Not only does that mean more time to finalize preparations it also means I don't have to work both jobs tomorrow and full time job on Sunday. I was looking at a weekend of WAY too much work.

I really need this weekend for relaxation and partying on Saturday. Yesterday I had a scare about my Dad. I'm still really worried about him but it looks a lot more optimistic today than it did yesturday. Without going into details I'll just say he was sick for many years. He had an operation about 5 years ago that ended the sickness. However, yesterday there was a scare that either the sickness is back or something more serious is wrong. Today he is feeling better but we still don't know. He will be going to the doctor on Monday.

I am SO getting drunk on Saturday.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Just a quick post to say Hi. I'm doing well.... just extremely busy. There is an audit coming up at my work and I have been busy preparing for that. I'm sorry for not visiting everyones blogs. Hopefully I can catch up soon. Thanks for the comments... sorry I haven't had a chance to reply.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Happy Birthday to Bob! (I don't think he reads my blog but a happy birthday here anyway!)

I had a pretty good weekend. I headed out to a bar with a friend. We met up with some guys she knows from University. We danced a lot. I ran into my neighbor there too. That was a little strange. He told me about him and the other neighbor arguing over how old I am. The other neighbor was sure I am not older than 21. He said he guessed about 26. I laughed and told him I'll be 28 soon. The guys I met through the friend also were sure I couldn't be older than 22. I even told them to guess high. I LOVE looking younger than I am.

Saturday I finally caught up a lot on my sleep. I slept most of the day away. Then of course headed out to Name that Tune. I wasn't so much in the mood for it but as usual I ended up having a great time. We stayed pretty late and then headed out for breakfast. I got home around 4:30am. It was just a blast.

Suday I worked and then my nieces were over for supper. It was great to spend some time with the family. After they left I went to a friends for some poker. Which I sucked at but still had a good time. Four of us got into a fit of laughter. I love laughing like that. Sure it hurts to laugh so hard but it just feels so good. Stress just seems to leave with the laughter.

I am starting to feel more like myself again. I think part of the problem was me wanting so much attention and feeling like I wasn't getting it. I got really used to everyone saying how great I am and started to feel down when it wasn't about me anymore. It was like what have they replaced me? Its stupid though. Obviously everything can't be all about me (except here of course) and of course they still love me even when not talking about me. So I am going back to the way I was before I got so much attention. I will go back to LOVING the attention but stop expecting it. Stop thinking about how much attention I got that night or the one before.

I still really like the DJman but its easier to accept that it isn't going to work. One of the problems before is I was thinking there is something wrong with me. Thats why he didn't seem to have time for me. I just wasn't good enough for him to bother. After some more time spent with him and discovering HOW he spends his time and what is important to him I think its clearer that a girlfriend is very low on his list of priorities. Its easier to see him without wishing to be dating him knowing that.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

A little more about my childhood. I hear all the time that when I was a few years old I was very outgoing. I almost always had center stage. I'd run around being cute and everyone just loved me. I was told that I was fearless. That I did what I wanted when I wanted but I was actually a very good kid. I didn't do things I knew were wrong. My cousin told me that she remembers my Grandparents 50th anniversary and how I was the life of the party.

Do you ever sit and wonder how you got from being a certain way when you are a kid to being the way you are now? I see a bit of that kid in me still. I also know how I went from being a not shy fearless kid to a shy self concious adult. I know the shy part might shock some of you but in real life when I first meet people I am VERY shy.

She isn't completely to blame. However I can lay the beginnings of my shyness on my Step-Bitch. The one thing I remember most about her is that she was always critisizing me in one way or another. She'd tell me that I was too hyper.. that I was too selfish.. that I was too much of a cry baby.. that I shouldn't be this way or that way. I never seemed good enough to please her. Even when I tried my hardest there was always something I did wrong.

This goes so far back that I'm not even really sure where to begin telling the story of my Step-Bitch. If it jumps around please forgive me. I have a feeling I'll type something and remember something else after or before.

I remember being very happy that I was getting a new Mom. I remember being excited. Then I remember being compared to her girls. Always there was something I was lacking. They were cuter. They were smarter. They weren't annoying. They weren't so picky.

I don't really know where to go from here. So I'm ending this post like this. For now. When I think of where/how to continue I will.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Since my birthday is coming up and a friends birthday is the week before I've been thinking about upcoming Name that Tune and the drinking I will do there. I am not really a big drinker. I do drink occassionally and I have one or two drinks every week at Bo's. Not enough to get me tipsy though. I am usually the designated driver so its not like I really can drink.

For our birthdays though I probably will not be driving. I'll definitely drink on my birthday but will probably also drink the weekend before for my friends birthday. I honestly am not sure if I want to drink though. See, I always have fun BUT I don't want to do anything that I might be embarassed about for weeks to come.

When I drink (as it is for most people) the inhibitions leave. My filter leaves too though. I will think saying or doing something is a good idea and it may not be the best idea but I do it anyway because the filter isn't there to stop me. I wouldn't do anything like take my clothes off or something but I might say something that I don't necessarily want people knowing.

I've been told many many times that while I'm totally fun to party with sober I am EVEN MORE fun to party with when I drink and I've never had people tell me that I've done stupid things. However I just don't want to be embarassed the next time I go out.

The last time I got really really drunk though I was out of control. Again I still didn't do anything that I really regret just was WILD. I talked to anyone and everyone. I felt the bartenders chest. I could have been on girls gone wild other than it would have to be a clothed version. I woke up the next morning very embarassed. The more embarassing part though (and this was due to starting off the drinking with wine) was that by the end of the night I went from happy fun girl to sobbing upset about stupid things girl. THAT is what I fear most happening. That I will become upset (about something totally stupid) and it will no longer be me being the fun girl it will be me being the cryer. Again.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I. Am. So. Tired.

Had a very good weekend. Friday evening had a relaxing time with a friend. Got home around 1:30am. Worked on Saturday and then went (of course) to Name that Tune. When we got there I started feeling sick. I felt so crappy I almost went home. I decided to wait it out a bit and soon I was feeling well enough to stay. I'm glad I did stay. It was a blast. It just keeps getting more and more fun.

I play fought again... this time though I have war wounds. I have some NASTY bruises. We got second place this week. Things were a lot less weird this weekend with DJman so thats all good.

After the bar closed we went out for breakfast. I didn't end up going to sleep until 6:30am. I slept in until around 1pm. Sar and her boyfriend came over with their son! I finally got to see Aaron!!! I am so happy about that. It was great seeing the three of them even for such a short time.

Then I went to the hockey game. I was so excited to be at an Oiler game again!! Even when we were down 3-0 in the first period I was still just thrilled to be there. Of course I voiced my displeasure at being down 3 goals but thats just part of watching. We ended up losing the game in a shoot out 6-5. I can't wait for the season opener on Oct. 5!!!

Today I work both jobs and then I plan on going home and vegging on the couch.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Another week almost over. Even though the days dragged on and on the week actually has gone by really fast. I can't believe it's already Friday. I have the usual weekend plans. Work tonight and then meet up with a friend. Work tomorrow and then Name that Tune. Sunday will be a lazy day with some Texas Hold Em in the evening. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some sleep and the shows I taped throughout the week.

I need a nap.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

As I mentioned I dog sat for my brother and sister in law the other night. It was.... frustrating. Their one dog is the sweetest suckiest dog I've ever met. She LOVES me. As soon as I sit down she jumps on me. She'll put her paws around my neck and rest her chin on my shoulder. It's the cutest thing.

Their other dog though.. he needs to settle the fuck down! I've seen both dogs enough that they know me pretty well. The little dog isn't quite a year yet though. When I got there he freaked out. He was upstairs barking from under thier bed. When I went up there he went nuts with the barking and freaking. I couldn't coax him out no matter what. I even tried getting him out with a fry from McDonalds. No such luck.

I kept periodically going up there. I even brought the other dog and pet her so he'd see that it was ok. Nope still he just freaked the fuck out.

I ended up calling my Dad and getting him to come see if he could coax the little one out. After about 15 minutes of talking to him the little one finally came out. My Dad brought him downstairs and sat with us (Dayna was with me) with the dog to let him get used to me. I let him sniff my hand a couple times but when I went to pet him he BIT me! It wasn't a hard bite it but he teeth scratched my finger.

I drove Dayna home and when I came back I let the little dog sniff my hand more and finally I was able to pet him. My Dad left. The dog freaked out AGAIN! I ignored him and went upstairs to get ready for bed. He stopped barking after a little bit. I came back down to get some water and he FLIPPED out as soon as he saw me. He ran upstairs. I went back up there to go to bed and as soon as he saw me he barked again. I ignored him. He hid in a corner staring at me. I just went to sleep. He stayed in that same corner all night.

When I got up and he saw me he flipped out yet again. So again I ignored him. As long as I didn't actually go near him he stopped barking. My Dad ended up coming over to take him outside. The bigger dog wouldn't really go near my Dad at all but stayed at my side the whole time.

I don't know how they leave the big one.. she is such a suck up and looks so pathetically sad when your leaving I was tempted to stay.

I went back again after work and the little one freaked out again but this time actually calmed down quickly and let me pet him. I took a nap there and when I got up he freaked out again. That dog needs therapy I think. Like seriously I'm there for a couple hours and suddenly he feels the need to freak AGAIN???

Anyway I left around 7 and they were home around 7:30. I'm so glad it was only for one night.

I got a new cell phone last night. I have kept myself entertained today by searching for ringtones. I was playing with my phone so much that the battery is about to die. I love new toys. :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I've been thinking about this post for a few days now. I want to talk about my experience on 9/11 but I'm not really sure I will do a good job. I can't believe it has already been 4 years. I can look back to that day like it was yesturday (as I'm sure many people can). I know that day changed many peoples lives way more than mine. I know that many people suffered that day far more than I. This is just what happened to me that day.

I'll start with the day before.

I was in California visiting my friend Sardi. Mac and CBW came up from Red Bluff to meet us. We spent a wonderful day at Disneyland. We were even in the parade at the end of the day. I thought it would be a day I'd remember for a long time. I DO still remember it well but I can't remember it without remembering the next day.

My flight was scheduled for 11am (or somewhere around that time) the next day. I remember saying many times 'I wish I don't have to go home'. 'I wish something would happen so I could stay a while longer'. Never have I regreted words like I regreted those.

The next morning someones phone rang and half woke me up. Then I could hear the tv. Sardi got out of bed and left the room. I lay there half asleep trying to make sense of what they were saying in the next room. I think I drifted off though. Sardi came in and woke me up. She said 'you aren't going home today. Planes aren't flying.' I thought it was a joke. I think I said something like oh good and rolled over to fall back to sleep.

She shook my foot again and told me she was serious and that I needed to come see the tv. Something in her voice made me realize that she probably WAS being serious. So still half thinking its a joke I got up and made my way to the living room where Mac and CBW were staring at the tv. The way their faces looked told me something serious was up.

I sat down and watched the tv. I saw the towers. I saw the plane. I couldn't make sense of it. I heard what they were saying but was very confused. All I could think was that they had put in a movie. It MUST be a movie since something like that doesn't/can't happen in real life. Slowly it sunk in that this was real.

I was stunned. I couldn't comprehend that it could be real. I just kept watching and thinking no way this can not be happening. Why would it happen. Then it was said to be on purpose. The second tower was hit by then and they showed that too. Over and over. The people jumping. Over and over.

I just kept thinking but I'm supposed to be going home. I can't go home? Why? Why would someone do that?

I know we talked about it. We all had stunned and hushed voices. I have no idea what we said. I remember Mac and CBW wanted to leave right away. They wanted to get back home to their loved ones. So we all said our goodbyes and they left. I called my fiance (at the time we were still engaged) and asked him if he was watching. He said he was and that he was glad I wasn't on the plane yet. I called work. They all knew and understood that I wouldn't be in the next day.. or even when I'd be in.

We watched the news more. We then went out to a job fair. It seemed unreal that it would still be going on with everything happening. After the job fair we went to the library. We wanted to let online friends know that I hadn't boarded the plane and was safe with Sardi.

The next part is one I remember most vividly. We left the library and were heading to a store. The president was on the radio. It was a completely surreal moment. I looked around at the other people driving and everyone seemed so still. It felt like it was right out of a movie. When the president gives a speech and everyone is frozen in spot.

I now can't listen to the Sarah Mclachlen (sp) song I will remember without immediately thinking about that day. When that came on after the presidents speech EVERYONE was crying.

The next couple of days are a blur of watching the news.. watching the clean up and all the people gathered.. and watching old episodes of Buffy. Both of us had come down with a cold so the only time we left her apartment was to get food.

I remember on one of the last days there watching tv (or talking) and suddenly hearing a plane. We both froze. We looked at eachother and I remember thinking she looks as freaked as I feel. We ran to the window to look for the plane. She turned on the news and found a number for the airport. She called and found out that there were military planes taking off near her place. I'll never forget the feeling of fear at the sound of the plane.

6 days later I finally got to go home. I had a short lay over in Denver and found the smoking lounge. Strangely people were a lot more friendly. I've been at that same lounge more than once now and never have I met so many people. Everyone sharing their experiences. The flights were very subdued. People didn't seem afraid.. just a little apprehensive.

For years after that and even sometimes still I get a nervous feeling when I see or hear a plane.
How to make my day: I am watching my brother and sister-in-laws dogs tonight since they will be out of town. When my niece found out I was staying with them she told her parents that she didn't want to go with them. She wants to stay home with me because she misses me. They told her I had to work so she'd be home alone and that they were going to the zoo so she agreed to go with them. She got on the phone with me and told me that she was going to see elephants and lots of people.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mondays are always LOOOONG days. Today is no different from the usual Monday. Long.. boring.. and still going. I have to work my other job tonight. Having two whole days off in a row was so nice. Until yesturday I had almost forgotten what it was like to actually not work all weekend. I feel a lot more refreshed than I usually do on Monday.

Yesterday was very relaxing. I watched a movie at a friends house. I didn't even put any make up on all day. In the evening we went to another friends house (without make up still) to play some Texas Hold Em. It was the first time I ever played that. I have played poker before and usually do really really badly. However last night playing Texas Hold Em and a couple hands of regular poker I kicked ass. I cleaned up! We weren't playing for money but I have a feeling if we had been I wouldn't have done nearly so well. Both guys there had to use an extra 'buy' in and although Dayna didn't she had no chips left at the end. One of the guys had a few chips left at the end... I had all the rest.

I think we are playing again next Sunday but this time we'll have a $10 buy in. I bet I lose quickly. lol

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Had a great time tonight. Way better than last weekend. It didn't feel very awkward. Obviously I still like him but seeing him wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as last week. We didn't talk a whole lot but we said hi and exchanged a few words. He left pretty quickly after it was over.

A couple of guys I work with showed up. They had a blast. They kept saying how much fun they were having and will probably be back.

I love a man that can play fight. The other DJ stayed around for a while after. He and I started play fighting. Its been a while since I play faught and had so much fun. Too bad he is a taken man ;) there will be pictures to follow within (hopefully) the next few days.

I am VERY happy that I had as much fun tonight as I did before. I know next week will be even less awkard/sad for me so it should only get better.

Saw Exorcism of Emily Rose last night. I definitely enjoyed it. It was very very creepy and well put together. I'd like to see it again. This time NOT an early movie with a bunch of giggling teens. Ookfest was all sold out which really was not all that bad. The weather was crap today plus I saved money not buying a ticket. I'm sure it would have been fun but I got some much needed relaxation time.

Off to bed now. Hope everyone is having as good a weekend as I am.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I am so happy that it is Friday! Only one month away from my birthday too! Tonight I'll be going to see the Exorcism of Emily Rose. I hope its good and SCARY. I feel like being scared. Tomorrow I'm going to Ookfest which should be fun. Then off to Name that Tune as usual. Sunday will (probably) be my relaxing day. I so far don't have anything planned so unless something comes up I'll just be sitting around doing nothing.

Since my title says so I'm sure everyone knows I'm an attention whore. I'm also a comment whore. I LOVE comments. I am a traffic whore too. I check my statcounter every day. I get quite a few visitors that never comment. So, I'm asking everyone that visits to post a comment. It doesn't have to be anything major. Or even anything to do with something I've written. Just a hello will do (or more if you want to say more). I'm just very curious about the lurkers.

P.S I am asking lurkers to delurk because I'm a copycat and thats what Lola did. Begin the commenting now!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Yesterday (all the way up until the end of the day) was a very good day. Work was boring.. but that is nothing new. After work I went shopping with a friend. I was (happily) SHOCKED with the size of pants I can now wear. I have not been this size since I was about 17yrs old. I absolutely can not believe it. Now all I have to do is work to maintain this weight. Which should be easier than losing weight.

I decided after waiting nearly an hour after DJman was off work and hadn't called me that it was time to leave a message ending things. I told him that 'due to lack of phoning and some weird text messages left I have to say (I said it laughingly) its been real. Its been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. I'll see you around.'

I then met up with friends for wing night. As usual it was a good time. As I was leaving I got a reply from him. In a text message he said 'fine be a bitch'. I lost it. So did my friend that saw the message as I saw it. We quickly calmed down though because there is a guy that was with us (one of my best friends for many years) and if he knew what had been texted he would have gone looking for DJman.

We left the restaurant and I let my friend reply to the message. He replied with 'that was uncalled for. Some people need more attention and I still think you are a good person'. The reason he sent a nice message was to see what the DJmans reaction would be. We both figured him calling me a bitch was just reactionary and not actually what he thinks of me. DJman replied with an apology. We texted a couple more times. We are going to remain friends. (hopefully)

DJman IS a good guy. I do still like him. Its just at the point he is in life and with his jobs he doesn't have a lot of time. He also isn't used to actually dating someone and didn't know how to juggle the jobs and a girl. I think a lot of how he was especially when I'd see him at work was him going by my actions. I however was going by his actions. So when he'd not really talk to me while at Name that Tune its because I didn't go over to him. I could totally be wrong about him but since we aren't dating now anyway it doesn't really matter.

This is the first time I've cried over a guy in a VERY long time and while I hate the fact that he made me cry I am actually happy to realize that even though it didn't work it might work with another guy and I won't be single forever. In a weird way this made me have a much more positive outlook on myself and dating.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Woo hoo for it being already the middle of the week. This has felt like a long week despite it being only two days so far. I thankfully have the whole weekend off. I plan on really enjoying that. I know I've been boring lately especially with updating so seldom the last little while. Hopefully things get back to normal soon. I'll try come up with a long but (hopefully) interesting post soon. :)

Singing: Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Saturday was fine. I ignored him. He ignored me. It was kind of uncomfortable and sucked just a little bit. Then at the end of the night I did talk to him. Long story short. He has another shot. Although it is a long one. I am going in with my eyes wide open. I told him that actions speak louder than words and so if he wants to go out with me he has to show he wants to.

My friends think he is trying to 'play' me and I am thinking they are probably right. Which is why my eyes are wide open this time. Which also is why he's going to have to show that he is worth my time and not the other way around. So far I'm leaning towards walking away. This time for good. We'll have to see what happens though.

Had a busy day Sunday and Monday so haven't had a chance to get online. Yesturday was a great day off. Spent it watching the (football)game and hanging out with friends. Got to love those days.

Edit: Pictures from Bo's Saturday are uploaded. I look tired in most of them because it was the end of the night... plus I was kind of sad.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I interupt what I posted earlier to add: After reading the story that Callie posted about the boy saving his family I have finally worked (mostly) through what I want to say about the hurricane catastrophy.

I didn't want to post about it or even talk about it since it happened because I can't even bare to think about it. I can't bare to think about all those poor people suffering. The ones without their homes. The ones getting raped. The ones dead, dying or being murdered. I just can't. I can't even type this without crying for them and their families.

I am one of those people that almost NEVER watch the news because there is always bad news. This news though is beyond normal bad news. This to me is horrible. A nightmare come to life. I can't even imagine going through what the poor people of New Orleans are going through. I think about if something like that happened here and I can't even complete that thought. I wish there was something I could do (above donating money). I wish I could help make things right.

My prayers and my thoughts are with all the people there. I'm sorry that won't be nearly enough help.

Now back to my regular post: I love my new hair color. I liked it after freaking the fuck out right after it was done. Now I love it. I have had so many compliments on it not only by my friends but also by complete strangers.

I'm still feeling kind of crappy. I wasn't able to have a nap after work and must get ready to go out soon. I am heading over to Daynas before going out so she can do my hair and probably touch up my make-up. I love having a friend that is good at that type of stuff. I am so not a girly girl. I like looking like a girly girl but I hate the effort it takes to make myself look like that. lol

Dayna has also given me some pants that no longer fit her but actually fit me really well. Thank goodness I can wear pants that aren't actually going to fall off me.

Name that Tune tonight which means I will be seeing the DJman. I'm a little nervous about that. I really don't know what to expect. I have a feeling he'll act like he doesn't know me and I'll act like I don't know him but I'm not sure thats what will happen. Especially since we will sort of have to interact. I'll let you all know how it goes. Maybe not tonight since I will need to sleep at a decent time so I can be awake for work tomorrow but hopefully I'll be able to post tomorrow evening.

Friday, September 02, 2005

So I guess I can safely say it's done between DJman and myself. He has not called me since I left him a message on Sunday. I had planned on phoning him earlier in the week to leave a message. Saying something along the lines of 'Since you haven't phoned me yet I'm assuming you aren't going to. However in case I'm wrong and you do plan on calling.. don't bother. I want a guy that will give me attention and that wants to spend time with me. No harm done though. See you at Name that Tune on Saturday.' I got sick though and when I'm sick I can sound like I'm upset on the phone. I really didn't want to sound upset when I left the message so I didn't.

It is now Friday and I still have not heard from him. I am sad about this. I really liked him. I guess its better to find out sooner rather than later that he isn't worth my time but it still hurts. I just don't understand it. I don't know how he went from seeming to like me a lot to not calling.

To make myself feel better I decided last night to dye my hair. I'm back to red. I'll probably have pictures posted in flickr within the next couple of days so I'll post a couple of them here.

This weekend is a long weekend for us (in Canada) too so I won't be working on Monday. Unfortunately I won't be able to enjoy the long weekend as much since I work my other job tonight, tomorrow and Sunday. Thankfully that means I have next weekend off though. Hope you all have a great one!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play
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