Sunday, August 07, 2005


As I said she left my Step-dad and moved in with a guy. He was not a very nice guy. I talked to her fairly often on the phone. Most of the time though she was drunk when she'd call. My brothers told her not to call them if she was drunk. I would talk for a bit and then find an excuse to let her go. After about a year (or so) they split up. She moved out on her own.

She came to visit a couple more times. Those visits were fine. A couple years ago I went to Ontario for my little brothers wedding. I stayed with her. The first night there was the night of the big blackout. Where in the east all power was down. I was tired from the flight. She wanted me to go to her friends house for 'jam' night. A bunch of people would get together smoke dope and play around with a guitar. This is NOT my scene. I was polite to her friends. Despite disliking them. I'm a pretty shy person and didn't really have much in common so I was very quiet. We left early.

When we got to her place we stayed up talking. I opened up to her and told her things that I wouldn't tell just anyone. The next day she wanted me to meet her ex boyfriend. I really didn't want to meet him. He is scum. Not someone I'd ever want to talk to. She pleaded for me to go with her. I finally caved but only after she promised it wouldn't be a long visit. He was rude to her. Very very rude. I despised instantly. After only a little while there I wanted to leave and shower. I felt dirty just meeting him.

Thankfully we really didn't stay long. Later that night I went out with my brother and his friends. I had a great time. He has a wonderful set of friends. My mother called wondering when we'd be home. She was upset that we had gone and left her for a few hours. My brother told her we'd be home eventually. After getting back I could tell she was upset. I asked her what was wrong and she complained about us leaving her at home for so long. That I was only there for a short time and she was upset I'd spend so much time away.

Another morning she woke me up early because some friends were visiting that she wanted me to see. Now I'm not a morning person and as I said before I'm pretty shy. I didn't say much while they were there. I talked a little bit and was polite.

At the wedding I had a lot of fun. Talking to my brothers friends and getting to know people. It was a very small (but very nice) wedding. My mother wanted to leave early though. She wanted me to go to a party her friend was having. I didn't want to. I was having fun and the people at my brothers wedding were much more my type of people. The ones at her friends are the druggies.. not to mention older crowd.

She was upset. My ex step-dad said he would drive me home so that my mother could leave. She left in a huff. A couple hours later he drove me home. When I got there she was still up and we talked some more. Then since I was hungry and she needed cigarettes we went to town. I bought her gas and McDonalds. When we were headed home we drove by the hall where the wedding was. People were still there so she was like you can go out and visit more. (She stayed in the car because she was in her pajamas) I had a good time talking to everyone some more. I kept going over to her to make sure she didn't mind staying longer. She told me she was fine. After a while we all left.

The day after the wedding I woke up not feeling very well. I hadn't drank very much so it wasn't a hangover but I just felt sick. My mother had things she wanted to do. I told her to go ahead but that I'd stay there. She tried to convince me to come and I just kept saying no but that she shouldn't feel like she couldn't go.

Then she said something along the lines of. Same old Dani.. selfish as usual. I just got up went to the room and read. I wasn't taking the bait. Hours later she came in and asked me if I was ever going to talk to her again. I told her that I was waiting until she calmed down and talked to me since I didn't deserve what was said. She flipped. Told me I was a bitch. That I had issues. That I had serious lack of communication. Tried to tell me how to communicate properly. I told her that I did nothing wrong. I did not want to go and why should I go because she wanted to. I was not stopping her from going and that I did not deserve to be spoken to the way I had been.

She told me I was nothing but selfish the entire visit. I was shocked. I asked her to explain. She told me that I was rude to her friends. That I didn't do anything she wanted to do. That I was bitchy the whole time. I couldn't believe she was saying that stuff. How twisted her view of my visit was. I argued with her. She then threw back all of the things I had told her in my face. I had told her I was a little sad because I didn't have many friends. That I never had anything to do. She told me that she now knew why I didn't have friends. That no one could stand me because I was a selfish, spoiled bitch. It was unreal.

My brother called during it and I asked him if I could stay at his house that night. He said sure and he'd come pick me up. So I started repacking my things. She continued to yell at me. I stopped and told her that she could yell and say what she wants of me but that I hoped she took a step back later and realized what kind of person she is. That no matter how much she thinks I did wrong throwing stuff I told her in my face was a horrible thing to do. I told her that I doubted I'd ever speak to her again. Much less ever come visit.

My brother came and she suddenly became the wounded person. Upset about our fight. When I left without saying goodbye she told me that no matter how I felt about her she still loved me and I was still her daughter. I ignored it.

They talked for a while and then we left. I didn't tell my brother what happened. We watched a movie and then my brother from here called. He asked me what was going on. I told him that she had upset me but that I was fine and didn't want to talk about it. He said no please tell me what is going on. She had called him all upset saying that I flipped and told her I hated her.

So I told him thats not the case. I gave him a quick summary and told him that I didn't want to talk to her again.

A few months later she phoned me. I answered (mainly because I didn't check the call display first) and asked if I still had a problem with her. I said that I wasn't the one with the problem and that she was. I also told her that I deserved an apology since I did nothing wrong. She started going on about what I did and me being selfish again. I told her that she was free to think of me however she wanted to but that I am none of those things and if she was waiting for me to apologize it was never going to happen. She started to go off again and I said look. I refuse to allow you to treat me this way. That I was hanging up and not to call me again unless she was done accusing me of shit that I never did. And then I hung up.

She phoned me again and aplogized. Well not exactly but it was good enough that I just let it go. I've talked to her a few times since then but I only talk to her because she IS my mother and mostly I feel sorry for her.

I'm just going to mention that I'm not telling this because I regret my life. I don't. I truly think that I've had a good life and that the things I've gone through have made me who I am. I'm really just writing it to get it out.


Blogger lowk said...

It's good to get that sort of stuff out. The problems your mom shows is very consistant with folks that are delusional. Maybe from too much drinking and/or drugs. I am glad you can face it with the courage you have. I don't believe you are any of the things that she called you and I don't believe anyone else does either. I do believe that part of your life has made you a much stronger person. I just hope it has'nt made you scared to become a mother. mYou'd be great at it.

10:17 PM, August 07, 2005  
Blogger Danikabur said...

I don't think its the drugs or the drinking. I think its something she has had for a very long time. She has always had some mental issues.

I am not afraid to be a mother. Not really. Kids are just so much work. I'm not ready to devote my life to raising a child. I refuse to have a baby until I'm completely ready to take care of one.

Lets just hope no accidents happen.. lol

11:26 PM, August 07, 2005  
Blogger lowk said...

You can count on me. :D

4:22 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Motherdear said...

Your mom sounds a bit narcissistic (the 'everything is about me' syndrome.) And there's not a lot you can do with that, except set limits and clearly define your boundaries, which you did. Good for you!!! You have the BEST attitudes on all of this, and especially, on knowing that you can't have children until you're ready for them. In a way, she's helped maked you into the wonderful person you are by showing you what you DIDN'T want to be. I feel so sad for you, but so sorry for her. She's the one who lost out on something wonderful.

Hugs, Dani Sexkitty....BIG hugs.

5:58 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Penny Shagwell said...

Dani: what can I say? I'm impressed by the way you explained to your Mom that you will not let her hurt you anymore. That's great. And Motherdear and lowk are right. I couldn't say it any better. We know you're not those things and we know what an incredible person you are. :o) It's your Mom's loss.

7:28 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Danikabur said...

Thank you Motherdear and Penny!!! *HUGS*

9:36 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Larry said...

Dani, you are an awesome person. Your mom sounds like my ex. Very bipolar and very selfish. You are definitely brave to put it out there for everyone to read. Keep bein you.

10:25 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Danikabur said...

Thank you. I don't really think its all that brave to write about it though. lol

10:26 AM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Callie said...

It's definately brave. It shows everyone where you came from, including the hurt.

Like everyone else, I think you've overcome adversity and are one of the best people I know.

2:05 PM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger 81 Vaginas said...

ty for sharing. so much and so well.

5:36 PM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Dirty Gypsy said...

It's a damn shame that you have to worry about this kind of crap from your own mother, but I agree with Penny and everyone else that you handled it the only way you could, and I think that was a pretty brave thing to do.

It sounds like your mother handles her relationships poorly, and not just with you. Maybe someday she'll come to her senses, but if she doesn't, it's good to know that you don't need her validation for your own sense of self.

You kick ass, Dani.

8:22 PM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Danikabur said...

Thank you very much Callie! I think you are a wonderful person as well.

Thank you 81vaginas.

Gypsy I think 5 years ago I would not have handled that the way I did. I probably would have held onto what she said about me and believed it. Thankfully I have met some very awesome people that have helped me become a lot stronger of a person. Callie is one of those people (and more recently lowk) so I owe them a lot for helping me see the person I am and know that the stuff she used against me were just her trying to hurt me and weren't truth.

11:28 PM, August 08, 2005  
Blogger Digitalicat said...

I take a few days off from reading blogs, and you write a novel on me. Serves me right.

I always respect the guts it takes to share something so personal like you did, Dani.

11:54 PM, August 09, 2005  
Blogger Danikabur said...

Thanks Digi

11:02 AM, August 10, 2005  
Blogger Motherdear said...

Dani, Lab Boy, this post has been nominated by at least one of your peers for Best Dramatic Post and Best Series on The Order Of Brilliant Bloggers.
Please feel free to visit and vote by September 5th at!!! And congratulations!!!

5:08 PM, August 30, 2005  

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